Nothing that I have is truly mine....

One of the toughest things to do in my life is to sign a letter from hospital acknowledging that I am aware of my dad’s condition ie, my dad is critical.

I get mad when mama breaks down, I’m upset when she started to think endless list of the possible things that might happen. I told her, so many times to take things one day at a time.

Kak Ngah is in the faraway land, Kak Long she’s having her own problem that she need to mind. It’s me who is left to put on my brave face, to utter maybe not so comforting words of wisdom to soothe her heart ache.

So this morning mama came back from the hospital, crying at my door. Asking for a small favor – go and talk to the doctor about papa’s condition. I agreed but my mind was blank. I don’t know how to react.

My conversation with Mrs. Doctor was not very fruitful as I have zero knowledge with this medical thingy. But I did listen, and asked for some explanations, in layman terms so much so that I can go back to my mum and explain to her.

Things are not looking good for my dad. Yes he is no longer in ICU but his condition is not ok. Too much complication leads to some of his organ is not functioning. More tests will be done and I honestly don’t know when they can come back to us with the result.

I hope I wont breakdown either. I’m aware that this is just another trial from god, and I’ve accepted the fact that nothing that I have is truly mine. Whatever that I have, my family, my job, my friends, things that I currently claimed as “mine” is actually something that god lend it to me which god can and will take it at anytime god wants.

So for the time being, I will treasure "this" until the time that I need to return it.
I’m going to be okay. At least I will try my best to be okay. :)

♥
Stay Strong!
xoxo

...

Selama aku hidup, ni kali pertama papa masuk ICU. Jadi boleh bayang kan tak apa aku rasa?

Masuk hari nih kira dah 9 hari Papa kat ICU. Alhamdulillah walaupun kejap-kejap papa ok, kejap-kejap tak okay aku tau dia masih struggle untuk survive.

Doakan papa.

♥
Stay Strong!
xoxo

The Gift...

It was a very long day since the day Papa was transferred to ICU.

Papa dah mula sedar.

He can open his eyes.
His palm was not as cold as ice like before.
His face is no longer pale
And even nods when I spoke to him.
Tears fell from his eyes when I mentioned that mama is waiting for him at home and today is my birthday.
He squeezed my hand when I started to cry

To be honest, this is the most expensive birthday gift I ever get. I don’t want anything else. I just want my family.

Turning 27 is just another number. But the experiences, the lessons, the tears, the smiles that I gained thru out this journey is priceless and very precious.

Thank you Allah! Thank you!

Papa was very true when he told me, there’s no one else you can turn to and seek for anything except Allah, whatever that Allah gave you is a gift that you must treasure.

I’ll keep on praying, and I will never give up. So will you Pa. don’t give up cuz we need you.



♥
Stay Strong!
xoxo

Papa...

"Jika Allah menimpakan sesuatu kemudharatan kepadamu, maka tiada yangg dapat menghilangkannya kecuali Dia. Dan jika Allah menghendaki kebaikan bagi kami, maka tidak ada yangg dapat menolak kurniaNya. Dia memberikan kebaikan itu kepada Siapa yangg dikehendakiNya di antara hamba-hambaNya. Dialah yang Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang."

This is hard. To accept, to digest.
I never expected things gonna be this way.
I know Mama is shattered. She breaks down.
To see him with wires all over his body is sickening.
To see him on bed unconscious , I feel helpless.
I can barely stand up beside his bed. I can’t stop the tears.
I want him to wake up, be as grumpy as he wishes whenever he’s awake.

:(

Dear Allah,

Whichever ways you decided Papa’s journey going to be after this please make it easy for my papa, If that is not too much to ask… :(

But for the mean time, giving up will never be my resort.
Hang on there Pa, you’re one tough and strong guy. We can go thru this.
We love you.


♥
Stay Strong!
xoxo

Monday Blues

I have a lot in mind right now!

Heap of questions, which I don’t know if I will ever find the answers.
I’ll stay positive though. God will never simply give us any hardship. Kan?

I have bad news, I also have good news. Not only that I also have blissful and gloomy memories too. I made new friends and lose some too. Well October is like Super Chunk Fruit Salad. You’ll taste the sweets and sour and even bitter if you’re unlucky.

I started my swimming class again, thanks to that now I’m officially tanner than my original skin color. Got new book, courtesy of my beau (seriously Marian Keyes can never disappoint you). Got new set of personal computer – thanks to beau again (mine was strike by lightening if your ever read my previous entry), I can now use Firefox without feeling guilty *haha*, Happily installed ITunes and use it without having this worry of being caught using some competitor’s product. Yes I’m such a chicken when it comes to rules and regulation, not that kind of dare-devil here. *haha*

But happy doesn’t last that long, god gives you a gift and at the same time he’s going to take some of the gifts that you have and give it to other person to enjoy it – that’s more or less on how I want to look at things currently.

I wish I can write, more. But time doesn’t permit me.

Those that I lose along this journey, I don’t know whether this is adequate to tell you, how much I miss you and how sorry I am for being such an ass.

To those who were generous and caring enough to me, only god can repay your kindness.

♥
Stay Happy!
xoxo

Need a break!

♥
Stay Happy!
xoxo

Jam doraemon yang cute...

Pernah tak waktu tengah syok menikmati makanan yang lazat² di kedai makan, tiba-tiba datang orang - selalu nya datang minta sedekah. situasi yang agak sinonim kan?

Dulu zaman belajar tengah malam adalah waktu yang sangat la best untuk melepak di mapley. tiap kali melepak pasti ada jer orang buta datang di pimpin oleh orang yg agak sihat untuk kutip sedekah. mana yang kesian pasti hulur. Kan? tapi ada juga yang punya persepsi yang agak berbeza - kan ke sihat? kenapa tak nak guna kudrat carik rezeki cara lain | atau pun persepsi yang sebegini - ala kalau sedekah pon bukan pegi kat dia duit tu, ada sendiket ni.

Untuk aku, lantak kau la pon nak fikir macam mana, kalau terasa nak menghulur sedekah tu, hulur jer tak payah nak banyak cerita. nanti jatuh kes tak ikhlas pulak & sia-sia bersedekah.

Sebenarnya aku bukan nak tulis pasal orang buta minta sedekah di gerai-gerai makanan atau yang sewaktu dengan nya. :P

Tak tau kenapa tapi tiap kali tengok orang yang susah, aku akan diserang dengan perasaan yang macam ~!@#$%^&*()_+{:"><}|?.. rasa sedih, rasa kesian, pelbagai rasa la senang cerita. Mungkin sebab masa kecik-kecik selalu susah [i always look at it in different point - my motivation]:) dan secara spontan hati akan berdetik " i know how it felt and i'm lucky that i still have food to eat, shelter to stay walau rezeki tak banyak tapi masih boleh teruskan hidup.."

Semalam, sedang kami (me beau and i) tengah makan, ada seorang budak lelaki ni, sandang beg yang boleh tahan besar saiznya, dan pegang tray yang penuh dengan barang-barang. Beau called him sebab nak beli jam yang sangat la cute (cute yang boleh membunuh jiwa yang meronta-meronta - menggoda suruh beli).

tengok dia, buat aku teringat anak-anak buah aku yang berderet-deret. tinggi dia macam Nabel. dia senyum macam Hakim (aku je perasan kot sebab jiwa dah mula sappy. Aku tanya, dia dah makan ke belum - dia senyum. aku tanya dia umur berapa - dia jawab 13 kak. aku tanya nak minum tak? (sumpah aku ikhlas offer) - dia senyum lagi. and boleh tau setiap soalan aku tuh dia macam segan nak jawab. aku insist tanya nak minum tak - dia jawab takpe kak dah minum.

sudah nya, beau beli barang dia. and budak tu chalo .. aku tengok dia jalan, dalam hati sayu je. serious tak berjaya tahan hati dan air mata. *huft*

Note : aku doa budak tuh pandai la sekolah and may life go easy on him, hopefully one day dia berjaya ubah nasib dia.

note to me-self : hidup tu tak selalu senang dan tak akan selama nya susah, tuhan pasti akan bagi bahagian kita masing-masing.




♥
Stay Thankful!
xoxo

Duit Raya

Sedikit drama di petang raya kedua.

“Nak duit raya!” (dengan muka yang agak tak boleh blah yer)

“OK.. tapi sila baca sifir dulu”

Semua diam, sambil terkepit² kaki, meramas2 jari. Pasti dalam hati dah menyumpah seranah. ‘ape la kakak/makcik nih, menyesal aku datang’

Ada yang dengan sukarela menarik diri tidak mahu turut serta.

Yang berjaya baca sifir tersenyum bangga mendapat habuan. Tak banyak RM 1.00 je. Mungkin bukan duit yang buat mereka gembira tapi the victory is more important

Yang masih duduk di kerusi agak terkedu melihat kawan-kawan yang sudah berjaya mendapat duit raya.

Aku tak sekejam mana pun,
Serious!
Aku suruh Ehsan cari buku Grufallo’s Child dia dan suruh budak-budak tu baca sebaris ayat.

Walaupun tak betul, aku hulur jugak 50 sen. Jadi la.

Tahun depan confirm budak² tu tak nak jejak kan kaki kat rumah aku lagi. (hahahaha) kalau datang jugak, memang aku salute la :P

Moral of the story
1- Don’t ask!
2- Pergi beraya rumah orang, buat cara nak beraya.
3- Mak bapak tolong ajar anak-anak, etiquette beraya ke rumah orang. Kalau yer orang tu ade duit, then takpe la. Kalau takde duit? Tolong la. Sungguh tak sopan. Kan?
4- Anak-anak, tolong jaga air muka mak bapak, nanti orang ingat mak bapak tak ajar, padahal jenuh dah di ingat kan.
5- Kalau pun tak pandai, tapi jangan cepat putus asa, belum apa-apa dah back off.

♥
Stay Grateful!
xoxo